Fearful Creatures

Growing up in a lumber state, you hear about the old fearsome creatures of the forests that lumberjacks would commonly encounter, but have you ever stopped to wonder where they went? As logging swept through the dense and towering forests of Wisconsin, lumberjacks faced off with these strange beasts, and their accounts became the stuff of folklore. Now that the virgin forests have been harvested and times have changed, it’s the everyday homeowner who stands on the front lines of the conflict between humans and wildlife in the wild urban interface—a space where wilderness meets land reshaped by human hands.

These creatures, which once struck fear into the hearts of loggers, now struggle to adapt as neighborhoods expand into what remains of their habitat. How do we grow awareness for these creatures? By employing nearly scientific research, mostly proper reporting, and absolutely unaltered evidence to document their existence.

To prove the existence of these now fearful creatures, I set out to the WUI’s of Wisconsin to find proof and document the existence of these creatures of the wild-urban interface.

Agropelter

An irritable quadruped, highly resentful of suburbias sprawl into his home woods. With the expansion of neighborhoods into the forest and the removal of dead trees for liability reasons, the agropelter is in search of a new habtitat.

Detailed descriptions are lacking as the agropelter may be regulary misidentified as a bear by the untrained eye. Yet, blurry photos from trail cams suggest that the agropelter has a sturdy body with an ape-like appearance. The species' shaggy appearance is partly attributed to its diet of egg shells, coffee grounds, and banana peels. His most spectacular attribute is a pair of long, muscular arms

The agropelter often doesn’t target just one home, he can sometimes ransack the garbage cans of an entire neighborhood in one night. It is thought that the agropelter can use his long arms to reach inside and empty the entire contents of a garbage can, sometimes even moving the garbage can itself. It is still up for debate whether the agropelter is from a search for food, a place to sleep, or maybe just pure spite. HOA’s have found the best defense for an agropelter’s attack are bear-proof lids.

Axe-handle Hound

Once the bane of supply and depot camps in Northern logging operations, the axe handle hound is a peculiar creature with a head shaped like a peavey axe, a slender body resembling an axe handle, and short, stumpy legs. It bears a striking resemblance to a dachshund but with a sharper appearance.

Despite the theoretical abundance of wooden handles in modern neighborhoods, sightings of the axe handle hound have been dwindling. This decline seems to correlate directly with the rise of fiberglass and plastic handles.

There is some speculation that the axe handle hound may be adapting its behavior, possibly diversifying into snatching missing socks and remote controls. However, one thing remains certain: you don’t want to turn your back on a wooden handle in your gardens. Given the current populations, this manubriumavore may well deserve a spot on the endangered species list.

Treesqueak

Some folks will swear that the mating call of a Treesqueak is nothing more than a tree branch scraping against the house, but we know better. This untrustworthy creature is a familiar menace in the North Woods. Built something like a weasel, the Treesqueak combines a dangerously cute appearance with a knack for trouble. As tree branches stretch from the forest canopy to your home, the Treesqueak wastes no time finding its way into the attic.

While usually stealthy, it can turn aggressive, especially during thunderstorms and windy nights. Its repertoire of calls includes squeaks, scrapes, and whines, but on particularly lively nights, you may also hear thuds, scampering, and the unmistakable sounds of further damage to your home.

The best way to keep these mischievous critters at bay is to trim back the trees around your house. Don’t bother with rodent traps, those clever creatures use their long tongues to swipe the bait without setting off the trap!

This curious bird seems to defy evolution. In fact, one time Charles Darwin was caught cursing the existenace of the peculiar bird for challenging his brilliant ideas. This bird is the opposite of most birds, it builds it’s nests upside down and attempts to lay in them too, but its eggs are just as fragile as any other bird! The goofus bird mostly flies backwards, which means it can’t see those fancy bird deterents on your windows!

Goofus Bird

This slow and unsuspecting beast has a beautiful brown coat, much like a mink. It is known to catch its prey by waiting by the roadside to lure in its victims. This fearful creature is thought to be near extinction due to the introduction of the Stenthulin. Stenthulin are highly invasive, mobile creatures. Their hairless epidermis comes in shades of white, gray and brown and crinkles when handled. This terrible creature can be seen caught in drafts of wind, draped in roadside ditches, and perched in neighborhood trees. The endangered Rumtisfusel seems outnumbered and overwhelmed by these new creatures, but you can help. The Stenthulin are nocturnal and can be approached, captured, and disposed of in the safety of daylight.

The Rumtisfusel

This scaly cold-hearted creature is often mistaken for an old snag. It can be found in most fresh-water lakes. It is equipped with a swiveled proboscis especially adapted to boring holes into the bottom of boats. It used to be said that cayenne pepper could stop this beast. Today, cryptobiologists advise a more practical approach: if you’ve crossed paths with a swampauger, your best bet is to bail water as fast as humanly possible!

While the Wisconsin DNR won’t directly confirm the existence of these predatory testudines, they do strictly enforce the rule requiring at least one USCG-approved wearable life jacket per person on board. They also recommend wearing water shoes or sandals—no surprise, given that a shed swampauger proboscis can be dangerously sharp!

Swampauger

Once thought to be confined to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, the true range and population of the elusive Dungavenhooter are likely vastly underreported. This is thanks to the sprawling network of sewage and stormwater lines seamlessly connecting urban and suburban landscapes.

As marshes were drained and filled, this crocodile-shaped creature sought refuge in the hidden infrastructure beneath our feet. Mouthless and peculiar in design, the Dungavenhooter boasts large, basketball-sized nostrils, short stumpy legs, and a thick, powerful tail. Mostly silent, its presence is betrayed only by the steamy, warm breath that drifts from grates and manholes while it slumbers.

It lies nearly motionless in the murky brown waters, waiting for unsuspecting city workers or urban explorers to venture too close. When victims draw near, they flush the Dungaven into action—whipping them senseless with its tail before swiftly inhaling them through its enormous nostrils.